This past year I was published in my first book, Empowered Sexy and Free.
This book was a group collaboration between me and 7 other women entrepreneurs. It was a beautiful thing to be a part of.
I wrote a story about a time in my life when I went to jail.
Yes, me. Jail.
My whole life, I’ve wanted to be a writer. My mother says that I started writing her books before I could even ride a bike.
But then jail happened when I was in college and a series of unfortunate events that inevitably led to 10 solid years of writer’s block.
You’ll have to read about it in the book (which is an Amazon Best Seller by the way).
Over the past 10 years, I have sat down repeatedly to write and have started countless books only to stop, stuck and unmoving.
It was perfect when this opportunity for collaboration came around because it offered me the support and accountability that I needed to break through my trauma and actually become a published author.
Working with these women, I developed a sisterhood unlike any other. We bonded, we shared, we cried and we laughed together. Our energies combined and the support of the other women helped my business soar to new heights.
When I finally sat down to write the chapter, the words flew out.
AND so did the pain.
I ended up sitting down over two afternoons to get my first draft out and in that experience, all the pain that I had gone through 10 years ago resurfaced and I got to re-live the energy of that time over again.
It was wild and intense.
My whole being lit up with anger, and shame, and insecurity, the likes of which I hadn’t experienced in awhile.
When I finally finished the draft, I was an emotional mess and ended up sobbing in a heap on the floor. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much of the pain I had suppressed and buried over the past decade.
I began to utilize the tools that I offered in the book as a way to shift the trauma response I was having. This was big stuff.
I worked every technique and a friend even came over to help support me.
That night, I woke up at 3 a.m. with excruciating stomach pain. I recognized that it was in conjunction with the energy of the past that I had unleashed.
For an hour, I lay there and became fully present with the pain in my stomach. I held my energy and awareness in my belly and stayed with it.
I wanted to throw up so badly but it wasn’t coming. I laid like this for over an hour. Finally, the release came. I ended up throwing up all over myself as I tried to make it to the toilet.
Over the next day, my body kept eliminating this past energy from my system. It wasn’t pleasant and it continued to show me just how much of the past I had kept locked up inside.
How much I hadn’t dealt with until now.
What an experience. It was a beautiful thing to learn about myself and the depth of the energy that I had bottled up for years and years.
When I was finally ready and able to deal with the trauma, it came out in an explosive manner and I ended up covered in my own shit. Literally.
This is a vulnerable share for me as was the story I wrote about in the book. I believe this story is just as relevant as the chapter I wrote as it continue to tie together the past and present with a strong degree of complexity and connectedness.
I learned that I was capable of supporting and transmuting new levels of energetic experience that I wasn’t capable of ten years ago. I learned that you can keep energy inside of you for a very long time and if you don’t deal with it, it will come out eventually. I learned that there is power in release and expression. I learned how incredibly capable I am.
I am very happy to be able to share this work and writing with you as it marks a remarkable transformation and pivotable point in my story as an entrepreneur and energy specialist.
The books contains eight stories of transformation and the tools we used to overcome adversity and struggle in our lives. My story is about the anger, depression, shame and extreme drug addiction that inevitably led me to become who I am today.